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I’ve basically concluded my first month of college after coming back from Winter vacation. I’ve got lots of projects to do, but I’m gonna do my best to have fun with it. I’m still working on my book illustration project, which is due at the end of the semester, and I have a totally seperate project where I need to make a collection of work for my Studio Art major. Other than these projects, my classes are pretty tame. In order to count as a full time student, I’m required to take a certain number of classes, so I have decided to take Yoga, Modern Dance, Orchestra (I play viola), and an Arts Entrepreneurship class. On top of that lineup, I have an internship at a publishing company and it has been so much fun to be a part of!
I’m honestly having a lot of weird feelings right now. There have been times where I was really miserable in school because I was missing out on the arts that I grew up with, felt an incredible amount of impostor syndrome, and struggled with most of my coding classes. Now, I’m enjoying all of my classes, aside from having two classes in the evenings.
Yet, something weird is going on.
I’m still stressed and feeling a little depressed, as well.
I recognize the reason for some of this. While some of my peers can’t wait to get out of dodge, I’m feeling like I’m being thrown out of my comfort zone. I know how to be a student and I’ve been a student for over ten years. I mean, I’m not excited to cram exams and essays together, but I know how to do it. Now, I feel a little melancholy while I’m walking through campus. I have anxiety disorder, which likes to wallop me in interesting ways. College is one of the places where I have struggled the most with my anxiety, yet I will still miss it because it feels like I’ve been here forever and I’m used to it.
Interestingly, my art classes are my greatest pride at the moment and my greatest stressor. I’m a perfectionist, but I’m trying to fight the negative tendencies of that. While I have strong visions for my work, I’m also trying to balance my professor’s advice. Additionally, I’m writing plans for compositions and revising my work, but I largely don’t know what I’m doing. It’s mostly just trying things and pivoting my focus as neccessary.
I know that this post is a little on the sad side, but I want to be honest. It may also seem weird to some of you because I have an internship that I love and I have a semester of classes that I actually like. Yet, I can’t ignore the fact that I’m feeling a little depressed over the finale of my undergraduate years, stressed over work that I love, and I have to deal with late night drives home two days out of the week (which packs more punch than you think).
What I’m learning is that no matter the circumstances, I need to take care of myself and acknowledge how I feel, so I can properly deal with it. That doesn’t mean that everyday is going to be rainbows, but I can do my best to bring myself back up through all the growing pains. If you’re expecting too much out of yourself or if you’re going through a major transition, I suggest that you also step back, assess yourself, and take on some strategies to help yourself feel better.
More fun posts to come, though! I hope you keep creating and keep Xscaping.